yeah, I've got a whole box and a half full of mistakes. Shitty? Yeah.
Un-doable? Yep, can't change the past. You can't see how people can change? Me either sometimes. But you gotta remember how much of a complicated thing the human brain is. The temptations and decisions. Moral Issues, addiction, hurt, disloyalty, fulfillment, fantasy,trust. That's a lot of words. I'm still here, doing me. The 'small things' I do aren't going to save the world. The 'good things' I do aren't going to make up for the past terrible things I've done. I'm not trying to 'make up' those terrible things by trying to 'help' others. I've just realized that this life..yeah- the one where your brain is currently trying to process these letters on this screen so that they form words-
yep this life- is what is going on right now. Or at least it's what my brain is making up right now, and I've realized I just want to be happy. And being happy has finally become a priority of mine. Sadly, I've realized how many unhappy people i've been surrounding myself with my whole life. I don't want to be unhappy and cover it with synthetic things all the time anymore, I don't. I enjoy taking naps and getting sleep and having an amazing responsibility whose name is also a Greek Goddess. I enjoy not having a career at twenty years old. I enjoy having a dysfunctional family, I don't mind that I grew up in America- shit- look at all the choices I have. Every country has huge downfalls. The world is kind of a mess. Standards are set
everywhere. Incredibly rich people aren't truly happy and the less rich are trying to reach standards that don't truly matter. What the hell is rich anyways? Money rules all? Sadly semi true if your looking at materialism. I am perfectly satisfied with the smaller things in life. Give me a tent, my dog, musical instrument, knife, water filter and let me go. Let me out of these restraints that our society holds, that even my family tries to embrace. I know how to be happy without it all. It's funny. Mentally, in this everyday society life I live in - I literally feel crazy sometimes. When I'm alone, miles from people- is the one time i've ever been able to feel _ well, just feel.
I like that i'm a little bit ocd and have anxiety that leads me to do double chores and stay up and clean all night soberly. I like that I am no where near perfect. More so than that, I really like that I can admit it and see it. I like that i'm a little weird. I like that I didn't finish college yet, if i did - that means I wouldn't have got the chance to do some things that recently happened. I like that I realized what the hell I was doing before it was too late. I like that I have a family that cares and that I finally opened up my goddamn eyes to it. I like that I can count my friends on one hand. I like that I usually find shit out the hard way. I like that I've gotten to meet the people I have. I like that I have a big enough heart to care for everyone, all while trying to care about my own self. I like learning new things from other people. I like having people tell me new things. I like looking up things I see online and then learning more about them. I like my scars. I like my tattoos. I like my skin. I adore my imperfections. Ok, the last one might be a bit much. I
am learning to adore my imperfections; that's more like it^_^. I like hearing other people's stories and backgrounds and what they have been through. I like knowing other people are not always what people may first think. I like that I personally try
not to think of people in any which way at all at first. I like that I can write an entire collection based on my life.
I am not trying to achieve anything other than my own happiness. I still make mistakes and I'm not denying the many of other ones I have already made. I've hurt a lot of people and been terribly hurt in return. To be honest I'm usually pretty amazed I'm still alive most of the time. Take it or leave it . .It's who I am. I'm not trying to run from it I'm trying to move on and realize it.
... This Is Me.
I Am This.
